Monday, August 17, 2009

"Find the Way Out"

Not being able to sleep right (or sometimes not at all for a whole day)...

Being stuck in a provocative conversation where your past is the topic of conversation...

Ending relationships(and I don't mean the gf/bf kind)...

This was my week... the not sleeping part... my MONTH.

It has been over a month where I'm having difficulties sleeping again. I guess it stemmed out from having an active routine that's suddenly pulled off of your system (swimming does not cut it, I guess, but I do see results, so does other people). Over a month of not having been able to sleep normally (and when I say normally, it's within my terms of what normal is) is making me miss out on so many stuff (church being one of them). Before, I sleep around 12-3am (earlier when I'm able to jog). Now, it's 3-7am, and sometimes not at all!!! I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I stopped smoking years ago... then what's wrong?

Add to that... just last Saturday, I was grilled. I was trapped in a conversation where-in my past was revisited... and the two individuals talking about it made it sound like it's some laughing matter. I guess they have no idea how hurtful it is to be dragged back to the lowest part of your life, re-live it, and then laugh about it. They've asked me about a certain individual that they knew was instrumental about an ugly pass I had. I said I have no idea what this person's up to now (because I've already freed myself from the issue) and that the only time I'm reminded of the person is when people start asking me about them (THAT could've been a hint for them to stop talking... but they just chatted away, blah blah, yadee-yadee-YAH!!!). The thing is, I can't leave where I was because anytime, I might be needed to play something again because I'm with the band for this wedding I attended. Anyway, yeah, I'm reliving that ugly putrid pass again and it's driving me nuts!

During that time... I was a mess...

I was part of a ministry... the people in that supposed ministry ganged up against me. They made me feel worthless. I was scorned by them behind my back. They questioned my intentions. They made hurtful and ridiculous accusations about me and told them to people close to me, including my then fiance', and my best friend. What's even more hurtful was that my best friend initially took their side, and was telling me to back off from the group, when I wasn't even doing anything to discredit them.

At that time... I asked God to leave me alone... just for a moment. I've asked Him to allow me to wallow in self pity. I've asked Him to watch, but don't touch. During that time, I was a wreck. I smoked, didn't want anybody to bother me, and when I'm home, I'm just like a zombie... I don't talk, I hardly sleep or eat (yeah, perfect diet!!!) and I just stare at the ceiling or at any blank wall.

And right now, I am haunted by that event. And it's making me want to smoke again.

But I'm not giving in.

I'm going to take my own advice... the same advice I tell people when faced with these type of problems. Acknowledge the problem, feel it, feel the pain, let it hurt you, and then leave it all to God. It's at times like these where we need to come nearer to Him. The Bible tells us to cast all our cares on God because He cares for us. What I did years ago, about asking God to just be a spectator to what was happening to me, was plainly wrong.

And you know what? Even if I did asked God that, He didn't left me. During that time, people sought me. They looked for me, asked me how I was, and comforted me (and they had no idea what was going on... they just felt prompted). He never left me. He used other people to reach out to me. They were pastors, friends, and even people I hardly knew. It was during that time where I am again reminded of how awesome and perfect God is.

And that God during that time is the same awesome and perfect God today in the midst of all this mess. PRAISE GOD!!!

A while ago, I twitted it, just to let it out... I said, "Guess what? I'm tempted."

A friend replied to my twit... saying "find the way out.. : D food ba yan?"

It was supposed to be funny, but I found wisdom in that persons' twittered words. It took me only a second to realize it... so I replied...

"Sana nga food na lang, eh. Pero keri naman, praise God He's my way out (yosi, Te). Letting it out helped. :)"

Hey you, thanks!!! And You, Kind and Honorable Sir, thanks for sending another messenger. :)